Earlier this year, I actually listened to the teaching on the Bait of Satan. I had read the book but was not ready to receive what God was trying to show me. "Offense" is satan's bait and I had taken it hook, line, sinker and pole. I had bitterness oozing out every pore of my body.
I knew eventually Mom would come live with me, I just had not anticipated it being so soon. It has been very rough. Of course, in the beginning, it was just supposed to be for 6 months of the year and the other 6 months she would live with my sister. That did not happen but she did go spend 4 months with Kyra and her daughter last year. I thought, this is great. At least a few months of the year I would have a reprieve.
Now Kyra has moved back to Texas but in a situation where mom cannot go stay with her, sooooooo, after mom's return from Colorado, I no longer have any long breaks from mom being in the house. She has said this trip will be her last.
Mom is there when I leave for work and when I come home. She used to go to church on Tuesdays, giving me an hour, in my home, without her. She stopped doing that. I miss puttering around the house, just me and no one else. I miss my alone time. Yes, I can go someplace else and have alone time but I want it in my home, my haven. What used to be my sanctuary is no more. I asked God for someone to grow old with and He sends me mom. I guess I should have given Him a more specific description of what I was wanting.
I do not know what God is doing but for quite sometime I have not liked it. I have friends who say that once my mother is gone, I will miss her and be grateful for the time we got to spend together. My question to them is, did your mother live with you? If so, for how long? Not one of their mother's lived with them. They can't know. All of them had a good relationship with their mom. I do not know the future but I do know this. God can change my heart and He has. I no longer hate my mother but I do find it difficult to tell her I love her and I still do not want her to touch me. Although longevity runs in the family, perhaps she won't live another 20 years, I can't know.
This morning, I was listening to Joyce Meyer (old teaching tapes). One of the things she talked about was those people God brings into your life to crucify your flesh. Mom is that person in mine.
So God, what are you doing? You have mom living with me. You have me attending a dead church, although I see changes. I ask for help losing weight and I continue to gain. I ask to at least be able to go fishing without her and I can't even have that! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????
Oh my GOSH! You must be psychic! Because you have read my mind. I feel the same way towards Mrs. R that you feel towards your mother. And yes, 'offense' is huge in my day and thinking.
ReplyDeleteI will not and can not say that when she passes, you will miss her. I don't know how either one of us will feel. I think guilt will have a huge portions of my feelings. Guilty that I can't get past the comments, jabs, and actions that hurt or anger. I don't know if that will/is play(ing) a part in what your feeling.
I can say, that I am learning to not be a sponge for all her whims. I am learning - very slowly - to let the boundaries I have in my head be known to her. Eeks! Scary!
You are in my prayers. I know how hard your walk is. I applaud you for taking in your mother. I don't know if I would have been able to do the same for mine.
Please know that you are an inspiration and joy to many, many people; myself included.