Mom is gone and I have inundated myself with the teachings of Joyce Meyer on the Fruit of the Spirit. It has really helped lift my spirits. With the lift in my spirits, I have energy! I accomplished a few things yesterday that should have been done weeks ago. My me-do list has some scratch marks on it.
Waylon and Kristina were going to come over last night. No show, no phone call. How hard is it to pick up the phone and say, not coming?
I am going to pick up Devon when I get off work on Thursday. It will be great to spend time with him. A month in between hugs is tooooooo long.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
A good way to start the day
This morning I purchased to large items at Walmart. There was a nice gentleman who loaded them in my basket. I asked the checkout lady if I could get someone to help me unload them. When he finished, he said "God bless you". WOW! Why is it I usually tell people "Have a great day" instead of God bless you? Think I need to change something.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Movin' on
I have inundated myself with Joyce Meyer's teachings. I need to focus on God, not mom. I need to give the devil the heave oh once and for all regarding my past. It is hard when your past is in your face everyday but I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Pray for me!
Pray for me!
Monday, March 22, 2010
God, pt 5
I listened to Joyce Meyer some more. If you see me with casts on my feet it is because she stepped all over them, big time.
God showed me something, again, that is the root of all my bitterness. I HAVE NOT SURRENDERED MY ALL TO HIM. I am still wanting God to run my life, my way. It is not my life. It is His to do with as He pleases. Being obedient sucks.
God showed me something, again, that is the root of all my bitterness. I HAVE NOT SURRENDERED MY ALL TO HIM. I am still wanting God to run my life, my way. It is not my life. It is His to do with as He pleases. Being obedient sucks.
God, pt 4
I have been listening to Joyce Meyer's teachings on the Fruit of the Spirit. I have now listened about 4 times to her teachings on "kindness". In it, she talks about how, when someone hurts us, we want them to pay and pay and pay. She says that mindset is straight from the devil, that he loves it when we want revenge.
Last night, I decided to listen to Joyce Meyer, The Power of our Words. In it, she was talking about how our words, outside of prayer, can make a difference in our prayers being answered. HMMM, something else to chew on.
Anyway, I must admit, I was only about half listening when God pricked my ears to what Joyce was saying. When she asked God why about something, He told her it was because she was being self-centered.
I'll be honest, I did not want to hear it so I decided not to rewind and listen. I was doing Davey's bookwork so my mind would not have really been listening anyway.
Tonight, I will "listen" intently so I can fully understand what God is trying to show me.
Last night, I decided to listen to Joyce Meyer, The Power of our Words. In it, she was talking about how our words, outside of prayer, can make a difference in our prayers being answered. HMMM, something else to chew on.
Anyway, I must admit, I was only about half listening when God pricked my ears to what Joyce was saying. When she asked God why about something, He told her it was because she was being self-centered.
I'll be honest, I did not want to hear it so I decided not to rewind and listen. I was doing Davey's bookwork so my mind would not have really been listening anyway.
Tonight, I will "listen" intently so I can fully understand what God is trying to show me.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
God, pt 3
I am not sure where all these posts are leading. I guess blogging is an emotional dumping ground until I can truly get rid of the garbage inside once and for all.
Things are better between mom and I. She has graciously given me more space and imprisoned herself in her room at times, like in the morning. I was so tired of hearing her say, "are you gone yet". After a year, I finally told her to not talk to me in the mornings. When I come home, she no longer says, "there's my girl", like I am some dog. When I made a comment, she changed it to, "there's my working girl." Personally, I wanted the bitch to just shut up and leave me alone. Go away and let me get back to my life of only seeing her sporadically.
At times I feel God is cruel. I want to be obedient. I am doing what He asks but my heart is just not in it. All I can see is that for possibly the next 20 years, I am stuck with my mother. I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT. Mom can no longer afford to live on her own, which is why she is with me. I just did not think it would be this hard. Everyone says she should get her own place. All she can afford is those places based on income and I know what those are like.
I feel like God will never bring me a godly husband until I can accept and truly love the bitch for the rest of her life. I am not there.
I am so tired of the facade that is my life.
Things are better between mom and I. She has graciously given me more space and imprisoned herself in her room at times, like in the morning. I was so tired of hearing her say, "are you gone yet". After a year, I finally told her to not talk to me in the mornings. When I come home, she no longer says, "there's my girl", like I am some dog. When I made a comment, she changed it to, "there's my working girl." Personally, I wanted the bitch to just shut up and leave me alone. Go away and let me get back to my life of only seeing her sporadically.
At times I feel God is cruel. I want to be obedient. I am doing what He asks but my heart is just not in it. All I can see is that for possibly the next 20 years, I am stuck with my mother. I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT. Mom can no longer afford to live on her own, which is why she is with me. I just did not think it would be this hard. Everyone says she should get her own place. All she can afford is those places based on income and I know what those are like.
I feel like God will never bring me a godly husband until I can accept and truly love the bitch for the rest of her life. I am not there.
I am so tired of the facade that is my life.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Boundaries
Over the years, as God has given me a confidence and a boldness, I have learned to draw boundaries with my family of what is acceptable treatment. Maybe, I need to draw those same boundaries with myself on acceptable treatment of them.
There is a viciousness in me, most times right at the surface. Thank you Lord, that most times I heed your warning and shut my mouth. Can we work on the rest of the time?
There is a viciousness in me, most times right at the surface. Thank you Lord, that most times I heed your warning and shut my mouth. Can we work on the rest of the time?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
God, pt 2
Mom is a product of her past. She was the 3rd child born. Her brother was 3 when she was born, her sister Pasty had died before mom's birth. I believe the death of Patsy shut off my grandmother's emotions and her ability to show love to her other children, at least until Mom's younger sister came along.
Mom was 4 when Aunt Wanda was born. Aunt Wanda was an epileptic, having both gran mal and pall mal seizures from infancy until at the age of 50, they were able to locate the damaged nerve and repair it. Meanwhile, at the age of 4, mom became the cook, housekeeper, etc until she married my dad. Not saying that my grandparents demanded of her without helping, but my aunt required lots of attention and care and my grandfather worked several jobs. It was wartime and at one point, they lived in a tent while trying to eek out a living.
Mom was always the dutiful daughter, never saying no to her parents as then she would not be honoring them. Same reason she did not divorce. It was against God and it would have brought shame to the family. Personally, I think some churches wrongly teach what it is to honor your parents or force spouses to stay in abusive situations equating God hates divorce with God hates you.
I did not know my dad. He died a few days after I turned 4. From all accounts, my father was a beloved son, husband, son-in-law, friend, etc.. Mom never grieved his loss, having been thrown into custody battles (my dad had no will) and trying to provide for 2 young girls. Until about 2 years ago, mom carried a lot of anger at God for taking my dad, saying she must have been bad for God to take him.... you know all the things satan whispers in our ears, all the lies, the deceit.
Mom remarried 4 years after my dad died. She married a horrible man with a lust for gambling, drinking, barmaids and very young girls. I was 8 when I became one of his victims. Mom knew it was happening, but through the years, lived in denial. Mom stayed married to him until he died a few years ago. Thinking about him still makes me want to puke. He tried to kill himself so many times. Why wouldn't God let him die? Why did mom always have to rescue him? The b.....needed to die!
I cannot understand why God has me with her in my home, knowing that in due time, I will become her caregiver,that I will have take care of the one who betrayed me oh so many times. Forgiveness. I forgive and forgive and forgive and then , wham, the past whispers in my ears one more time.
Mom is not a bad woman. She is a hard worker, she cares about people. Mom has finally started to bloom as a person. I do not always treat her with honor. I want her to suffer, to pay for her wrongs to me, so I treat her mean, reminding her how she was a bad mother. And what has all this gotten me. A miserable life. A life of bitterness, just like the one she has spent her life living. I can hate with a vengeneance. Hate comes way to easy to me.
Listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, God caught my attention. Joyce is speaking on the Fruits of the Spirit. Today's lesson, kindness. Kindness is heaping undue favor on someone, blessing your enemies...you get the picture. She talks about how the servant, who owed money, went to the master and told the master, "I have no means to pay" and the master forgave the debt (Matthew 18:25-27).
People who still your self-respect, your virginity or whatever, HAVE NO WAY TO PAY IT BACK. They cannot pay back what they took.
I need to chew on this awhile.
Mom was 4 when Aunt Wanda was born. Aunt Wanda was an epileptic, having both gran mal and pall mal seizures from infancy until at the age of 50, they were able to locate the damaged nerve and repair it. Meanwhile, at the age of 4, mom became the cook, housekeeper, etc until she married my dad. Not saying that my grandparents demanded of her without helping, but my aunt required lots of attention and care and my grandfather worked several jobs. It was wartime and at one point, they lived in a tent while trying to eek out a living.
Mom was always the dutiful daughter, never saying no to her parents as then she would not be honoring them. Same reason she did not divorce. It was against God and it would have brought shame to the family. Personally, I think some churches wrongly teach what it is to honor your parents or force spouses to stay in abusive situations equating God hates divorce with God hates you.
I did not know my dad. He died a few days after I turned 4. From all accounts, my father was a beloved son, husband, son-in-law, friend, etc.. Mom never grieved his loss, having been thrown into custody battles (my dad had no will) and trying to provide for 2 young girls. Until about 2 years ago, mom carried a lot of anger at God for taking my dad, saying she must have been bad for God to take him.... you know all the things satan whispers in our ears, all the lies, the deceit.
Mom remarried 4 years after my dad died. She married a horrible man with a lust for gambling, drinking, barmaids and very young girls. I was 8 when I became one of his victims. Mom knew it was happening, but through the years, lived in denial. Mom stayed married to him until he died a few years ago. Thinking about him still makes me want to puke. He tried to kill himself so many times. Why wouldn't God let him die? Why did mom always have to rescue him? The b.....needed to die!
I cannot understand why God has me with her in my home, knowing that in due time, I will become her caregiver,that I will have take care of the one who betrayed me oh so many times. Forgiveness. I forgive and forgive and forgive and then , wham, the past whispers in my ears one more time.
Mom is not a bad woman. She is a hard worker, she cares about people. Mom has finally started to bloom as a person. I do not always treat her with honor. I want her to suffer, to pay for her wrongs to me, so I treat her mean, reminding her how she was a bad mother. And what has all this gotten me. A miserable life. A life of bitterness, just like the one she has spent her life living. I can hate with a vengeneance. Hate comes way to easy to me.
Listening to Joyce Meyer this morning, God caught my attention. Joyce is speaking on the Fruits of the Spirit. Today's lesson, kindness. Kindness is heaping undue favor on someone, blessing your enemies...you get the picture. She talks about how the servant, who owed money, went to the master and told the master, "I have no means to pay" and the master forgave the debt (Matthew 18:25-27).
People who still your self-respect, your virginity or whatever, HAVE NO WAY TO PAY IT BACK. They cannot pay back what they took.
I need to chew on this awhile.
God, what are you doing?
Earlier this year, I actually listened to the teaching on the Bait of Satan. I had read the book but was not ready to receive what God was trying to show me. "Offense" is satan's bait and I had taken it hook, line, sinker and pole. I had bitterness oozing out every pore of my body.
I knew eventually Mom would come live with me, I just had not anticipated it being so soon. It has been very rough. Of course, in the beginning, it was just supposed to be for 6 months of the year and the other 6 months she would live with my sister. That did not happen but she did go spend 4 months with Kyra and her daughter last year. I thought, this is great. At least a few months of the year I would have a reprieve.
Now Kyra has moved back to Texas but in a situation where mom cannot go stay with her, sooooooo, after mom's return from Colorado, I no longer have any long breaks from mom being in the house. She has said this trip will be her last.
Mom is there when I leave for work and when I come home. She used to go to church on Tuesdays, giving me an hour, in my home, without her. She stopped doing that. I miss puttering around the house, just me and no one else. I miss my alone time. Yes, I can go someplace else and have alone time but I want it in my home, my haven. What used to be my sanctuary is no more. I asked God for someone to grow old with and He sends me mom. I guess I should have given Him a more specific description of what I was wanting.
I do not know what God is doing but for quite sometime I have not liked it. I have friends who say that once my mother is gone, I will miss her and be grateful for the time we got to spend together. My question to them is, did your mother live with you? If so, for how long? Not one of their mother's lived with them. They can't know. All of them had a good relationship with their mom. I do not know the future but I do know this. God can change my heart and He has. I no longer hate my mother but I do find it difficult to tell her I love her and I still do not want her to touch me. Although longevity runs in the family, perhaps she won't live another 20 years, I can't know.
This morning, I was listening to Joyce Meyer (old teaching tapes). One of the things she talked about was those people God brings into your life to crucify your flesh. Mom is that person in mine.
So God, what are you doing? You have mom living with me. You have me attending a dead church, although I see changes. I ask for help losing weight and I continue to gain. I ask to at least be able to go fishing without her and I can't even have that! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????
I knew eventually Mom would come live with me, I just had not anticipated it being so soon. It has been very rough. Of course, in the beginning, it was just supposed to be for 6 months of the year and the other 6 months she would live with my sister. That did not happen but she did go spend 4 months with Kyra and her daughter last year. I thought, this is great. At least a few months of the year I would have a reprieve.
Now Kyra has moved back to Texas but in a situation where mom cannot go stay with her, sooooooo, after mom's return from Colorado, I no longer have any long breaks from mom being in the house. She has said this trip will be her last.
Mom is there when I leave for work and when I come home. She used to go to church on Tuesdays, giving me an hour, in my home, without her. She stopped doing that. I miss puttering around the house, just me and no one else. I miss my alone time. Yes, I can go someplace else and have alone time but I want it in my home, my haven. What used to be my sanctuary is no more. I asked God for someone to grow old with and He sends me mom. I guess I should have given Him a more specific description of what I was wanting.
I do not know what God is doing but for quite sometime I have not liked it. I have friends who say that once my mother is gone, I will miss her and be grateful for the time we got to spend together. My question to them is, did your mother live with you? If so, for how long? Not one of their mother's lived with them. They can't know. All of them had a good relationship with their mom. I do not know the future but I do know this. God can change my heart and He has. I no longer hate my mother but I do find it difficult to tell her I love her and I still do not want her to touch me. Although longevity runs in the family, perhaps she won't live another 20 years, I can't know.
This morning, I was listening to Joyce Meyer (old teaching tapes). One of the things she talked about was those people God brings into your life to crucify your flesh. Mom is that person in mine.
So God, what are you doing? You have mom living with me. You have me attending a dead church, although I see changes. I ask for help losing weight and I continue to gain. I ask to at least be able to go fishing without her and I can't even have that! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???????????
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Where is my head?
Just want to know, "Where is my head? After church on Sunday, I went to the HEB in Kingsland, got a few groceries, stopped and grabbed a burger and then came home. I was excited to have some time to start working on a project before Bible study. About an hour into my project, I realized that the groceries I bought were still sitting in the car. Thankfully, the chicken was still cold.
For over a week, I have dealt with a very congested head, earaches, coughing, etc. Can't seem to shake off whatever attached itself to me. I would like to use this as my excuse for losing my head!
For over a week, I have dealt with a very congested head, earaches, coughing, etc. Can't seem to shake off whatever attached itself to me. I would like to use this as my excuse for losing my head!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
God is doing something awesome!
Our youth leader took 11 youth to see Heaven's Gate, Hell's Flames, 10 of the youth either re-dedicated their life and accepted Christ for the first time.. The 11th youth is already a strong Christian.
Last night, our youth attended Hot Hearts Youth Conference. 2 more of our youth accepted Christ.
God is doing something awesome in our youth group!
Last night, our youth attended Hot Hearts Youth Conference. 2 more of our youth accepted Christ.
God is doing something awesome in our youth group!
Monday, March 8, 2010
Facebook vs Blogging
I am on Facebook. I joined it to follow a friends son's journey with cancer. I maintained that account even after he passed. It has been great to connect with old acquaintances. Notice, I said acquaintances, not friends. I think for some, it is like they are trying to see who has the most friends. Let's be truthful here. I have some "friends" on Facebook who are only there so we could catch up with each other. Once that was over, the communication ceased. And what is with all these farm and hearts etc. Who has time for all that?
With blogging, I can get more intimate, more personal in my writing and know, only my fellow sisterchicks will read it. I know you can limit who sees your stuff on Facebook, but truthfully, I just don't feel like opening up my heart there, so I am going back to blogging while also maintaining my Facebook account.
With blogging, I can get more intimate, more personal in my writing and know, only my fellow sisterchicks will read it. I know you can limit who sees your stuff on Facebook, but truthfully, I just don't feel like opening up my heart there, so I am going back to blogging while also maintaining my Facebook account.
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