I am not sure where all these posts are leading. I guess blogging is an emotional dumping ground until I can truly get rid of the garbage inside once and for all.
Things are better between mom and I. She has graciously given me more space and imprisoned herself in her room at times, like in the morning. I was so tired of hearing her say, "are you gone yet". After a year, I finally told her to not talk to me in the mornings. When I come home, she no longer says, "there's my girl", like I am some dog. When I made a comment, she changed it to, "there's my working girl." Personally, I wanted the bitch to just shut up and leave me alone. Go away and let me get back to my life of only seeing her sporadically.
At times I feel God is cruel. I want to be obedient. I am doing what He asks but my heart is just not in it. All I can see is that for possibly the next 20 years, I am stuck with my mother. I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT. Mom can no longer afford to live on her own, which is why she is with me. I just did not think it would be this hard. Everyone says she should get her own place. All she can afford is those places based on income and I know what those are like.
I feel like God will never bring me a godly husband until I can accept and truly love the bitch for the rest of her life. I am not there.
I am so tired of the facade that is my life.
Ok friend. I am going to make a statement. It might be unwelcome and might even miss the mark, but I think I'm supposed to say this.
ReplyDeleteI admire your willingness to take care of your mom. Especially since she can't afford to live anywhere but goverment housing. I know that those places are not as nice as your home. However, she would have a sense of independence there. It would also give you some distance to deal with your wounds.
I know what it is like to have coarse sandpaper rubbed against your cuts and bruises everyday. It is impossible to heal with that happening. You need some time to breathe, have your cup filled, and form a scab over your injuries. You cannot get that when she is constantly there.
Finally, think on this: If you are feeling so angry and full of hate all the time, I am guessing that you are not doing a super job of hiding it from her. You are not able to be the witness I know you want to be. And it is completely natural. It is extremely difficult to 'heap coals of kindness' on someones head when they are pushing bamboo shoots under your fingernails.
The bible says we are to honor are parents. It does not say that we are to sacrifice our well being and lives to them. We are supposed to make sure they are respected and have the basic essentials. I am guessing, by your posts,that you're having a hard time showing respect. I think that in this case, that is the most important part of 'honor' that you are going to do. Her basic needs can be taken care of in Gov. Housing. (And the ones in Marble Falls really aren't bad.) And yes, you can provide for her basic needs in your home. However, are you going to be able to show 'respect' in your home?
Your mother abused you, by turning a blind eye to what was happening. It is hard to find any respect for someone that betrays you like that. I think you can do it though. I know you can with God's help. I'm just not sure that you are supposed to learn how to do this 'while you are in the frying pan' so to speak.
Hope this helps and doesn't hinder. If I am way off the mark, just delete this post. I love you and feel like you are not only a sister in Christ, but a part of the Survivors of Betraying Mothers Club with me. Please let me know if I can help in anyway! And don't be mad at me. Please!
I could not be mad at you. I need honest input and people to hold me accountable to God's Word. I may not like what they say in the beginning but after I chew on it and pray about it, I usually understand what God is trying get through my head.
ReplyDeleteI am chewing on your words as I write. Thank you for hearing my heart. I love you!